If you like any just simply copy and paste to your Wall/Profile
...I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Shhhhhh!!.......Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you.......And you're gonna love it...................But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it............Then I'm gonna come back up again and fck you big time.....Lots of love, Petrol prices xx
A kid walking down the street see's the word "F*cked"
He goes home and asks his mum what f*cked means, She says "It means Getting Dressed dear"..
Then he goes outside and someone yells "S**t"
He goes home and asks his mum what s**t means, She says "It means Food dear"
Then dad comes home and says:
Dad: "Hey son"
Kid: "Hey dad, the s**ts on the table and mums upstairs getting f*cked" :D
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either.
Three men were drunk ,they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were drunk , he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them, " We have Arrived". The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized that the car didn't move an INCH!. So he asked,what was that for? Control your speed next time, you almost killed us!!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
•On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
•On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
•On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (and that would be how???....)
•On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
•On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
•On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
•On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
•On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) •On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
•On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
•On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
•On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)
•On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
•On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity. lol
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work ! LMAO
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want. Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
HILARIOUS! BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER ..
Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!!!
Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
One for the Ladies.....
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY: There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, the remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.......
A dying granny to her grand-daughter, "baby, I'm old, weak & can die any hour. I want you to inherit my farm including the barn, the villa, the tractors, the farmhouse and all the plantations and livestock."
"Wow", said the girl, stunned, "Thanks granny. I didn't know you even had a farm. Where is it?"
Grandma replied: "On FARMVILLE."
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists .1.The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They dont like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday!
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood & as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further & kicks a cow. Once inside his mother says "I saw what u did, young man! For kickin the pig u'll get no bacon for a week & for kickin the cow no milk for a week." Just at that moment the boy's father walks through the door & boots the cat halfway across the room. Boy looks at his mom & says "Do u wanna tell him, or should I?"
They say your crazy if you answer yourself, but are you crazy when your stomach says fkn feed me and get off this fkn computer.. lol
copy and paste if this is you!
Man : "Where do you want to go for our Anniversary ?"
Wife : "Somewhere I have never been !"
Man : "How about the kitchen ?"
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
Shagged a girl with OCD last nite & she told me she was obsessed with doin everything alphabetically!
so first we did An*l, then she gave me a Bl*w job then i played with her Cl*t, then i took her D**p.. then i got up and got dressed & she shouted "Oi what about E?" i said "I've done E love, Ejaculated, and now i'm F, G and H
Boy: Mum, Mum, can I please lick the bowl?
Mum: No, son, Flush it like everyone else does. lol
An Old Woman Answered a Knock at Her Door Only To Be Greeted by a Travelling Vacuum Cleaner Salesman. Before She had a Chance to Speak The Man Tips a Bucket of Dog Shit all Over Her Carpet. He Explains,Madam if This Vacuum Dosen't Remove all Traces of That Shit I will Eat What's Left, Well She Says, I Hope You're F***in Hungry Because The Bastards Cut Off My Electricity This Morning ♥ ♥ ♥
An old married couple was at home watching TV...
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel...
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake ! Leave it on the porn channel...You already know how to fish!"
A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said 'Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny said to his wife "Maybe we should start washing your clothes in slim fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your ass." His wife was not amused. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the **** is this?" he said as a little dust appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?" To which she replied "Its not baby powder, Its miracle grow ****!"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I
think he said: 'Holy Sh!t! A talking chicken!'
The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice " There's something I must confess"
"Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and ur best friends mom!"
"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes...
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." the second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" the third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Jack and Jill were just married....... Jack said to Jill "Try on my pants." Jill said, "I can't do that, they are too big." Jack said, "Exactly, always remember I wear the pants in this house and always will." Jill said, "You try on my panties." Jack said, "I'll never get in them." Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will. lol
OK who stole all the farmhands???
click harvest click harvest click harvest (angry) click harvest click harvest (frustration) click harvest click harvest (swearing) click harvest click harvest click harvest click harvest (front door open) click harvest (computer now part of the garden).. lol
PLEASE HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR BOB---
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning when his wife woke up she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since.
The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being F*CKED!.
REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:
1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door:
"Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. ~Cooter
Woman out shopping with husband and spots a pair of boots she likes......... The husband says NO CHANCE love they are way too expensive........... Later on in bed wife is noding off to sleep when husband tries his luck with her. .......She turns to him and says. I dont think so mate.... If you not prepared to shoe the horse then you ain't f&^kn riding it!
WHATEVER you give to a WOMAN, she will MAKE it GREATER. Give her SPERM, she will give you a BABY. Give her a HOUSE, she will give you a HOME. Give her GROCERIES, she will give you a MEAL. Give her LOVE, and she will give you her HEART! She MULTIPLIES and ENLARGES what she is GIVEN. So, if you GIVE her CRAP, be PREPARED to RECEIVE a ton of SHIT! I hope to see every girl on my friends list repost
I need a donkey !!!
EVERY WOMAN NEEDS 4 ANIMALS :
A JAGUAR IN HER GARAGE ,
A MINK IN HER CLOSET ,
A STALLION IN HER BED ,
AND A DONKEY TO PAY FOR IT ALL !!!! Now where is that donkey LOL
An escaped convict breaks into a house. He jumps on the wife, ties her up, kisses her ear, then runs into the bathroom. The husband whispers to his wife, “Satisfy him, or he’ll kill us. I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong!" The wife replied “He didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear he’s gay, horny and looking for the Vaseline. I told him it’s in the bathroom. Let ‘s see who’s **** strong now! LMAO!
Please copy and paste this to your status if you are always asked to copy and paste something to your status by folks who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true friends will copy and paste.
Copied and pasted from a friend in need of more crap to copy and paste!! ;-)
I once heard the American President speaking to the Australian Prime Minister
"You know we have the best computers and i still can't get FKN FARMVILLE to LOAD!!!" LMAO!!!!
Without GOD, our week would be: SINday, MOURNday, TEARSday, WASTEday, THIRSTday, FIGHTday, SHATTERday. Seven days without God makes one weak. Post this as your status if you are thankful God is in your life.♥♥♥
How do you know when your addicted to FarmVille:
When the Ashtray is Full! and the coffee cup is heading in that same direction! LMAO!!! - and the keyboard is home to more ASH than both i just Mentioned! :p
WHATEVER you give to a WOMAN, she will MAKE it GREATER. Give her SPERM, she will give you a BABY. Give her a HOUSE, she will give you a HOME. Give her GROCERIES, she will give you a MEAL. Give her LOVE, she will give you her HEART! She MULTIPLIES and ENLARGES what she is GIVEN. So, if you GIVE her CRAP, be PREPARED to RECEIVE a ton of SHIT! I hope to see every girl on my friends list re post this
Hey Facebook i'm a chooser not a beggar and i don't beg to choose! So can you stop posting all that Single Women crap on the side of my profile! if this is you
Copy and Paste. lol
To all you guys who "sag" your pants and show your butt and
underwear....did you know it originated in prison? It was a signal to
the other MEN that you are "available". So if you wanna keep going
around looking like your "available" for another dude to "tap that"...
then keep thinking your cool while I think you look like a Fool!!!
RE-Post if you agree
THERE SHOULD BE A LAW THAT SAYS "PULL UP YOUR PANTS"
Last edited by Admin on Wed Jun 20, 2012 7:16 am; edited 1 time in total
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